I look better un-naked...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
