My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
