she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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