I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
