so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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