I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
