so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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