I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
where are you?
Hypothermia
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
