Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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