I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
thus making me awesome and them whores
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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