yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
