i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
