i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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