My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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