life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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