Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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