Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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