"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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