I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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