Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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