Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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