worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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