So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
