god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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