I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
