Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
