I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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