you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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