I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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