Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
