Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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