How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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