It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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