I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
