the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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