Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
