so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
