Yo dont text me then not text me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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