I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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