So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
