Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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