Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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