The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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