He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
