So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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