Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think im going to throw up on grandma
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
