woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
