Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
