i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
