Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
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One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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