So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
