ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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