One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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