Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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