i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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