just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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