The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
