the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
