Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
