I didn't shave. On purpose
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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