how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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