u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
