that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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